|
elly_jelly_belly
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Elly
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Berkeley
Birthday: 8/7/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: sitting around, cooking, wasting time online, and what else....hmm...playing piano and singing! =)
Expertise: Hmm...procrastinating, being hyper, and oh yeah,HIBERNATING!!! =P
Occupation: Student
Industry: Legal
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/19/2003
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
*I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom*
| | |
| June 16, 2006 approximately 10:30-11:20 a.m.
After a long and agonizing period
of much contemplation, prayer, and meditation, I am here, before the Lord God my Father and my
Savior, declaring that law in my
mission field.
Instead of reading the book of Daniel, I chose to read Proverbs
(the church I've been going to for early morning prayer
meetings (it's a Korean church thing) is studying the book of Daniel
now...I've been going consistently after STP with my mom, but both of
us overslept this particular morning...but hey, God's sovereign =P),
for some reason. And following my habit, I read chapter
16 because it was the 16th (only with Proverbs! It has 31
chapters...you can read a chapter a day every month!). The first
couple verses were very
familiar, and I thought I would be convicted by those verses, but alas,
they were only leading me to verse 3, where it says, ¡°Commit to the
LORD whatever you
do, and your plans will succeed¡±. Then I remembered my
conversation with Jenny yesterday, and I flipped my Bible to Proverbs
3:5-6, ¡°Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own
understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your
paths straight¡±. Then the next verse followed; ¡°Do not be wise in
your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring
health to your body and nourishment to your bones¡± (Proverbs
3:7-8--Just what I didn't want to be...I knew that I had tendencies to
think/rationalize/plan things in my head especially when it came down
to future. That's why I wanted to commit to praying this time
because I really wanted my conviction to be from God and not my own
wisdom.) In our conversation, Jenny was telling me how
law and ministry are both good choices. I also remembered her telling
me that being close to God is like being close to a friend—-you¡¯d know what he/she
would want; that there should be the level of intimacy that you
should
strive for in your relationship with God. God isn¡¯t someone who
would vaguely tell you what he wants/ feels. He has His likes and
dislikes, and when you long to know His heart, He will reveal it to
you.
AT that moment, God gave me this strong urge to
pray. I was
so burdened by the feeling that I just had to go into my room and begin
praying. I started praying that I wanted to be closer to Him,
enjoying the intimacy that¡¯ll lead me to see His heart. I first
thanked God for giving me
two such awesome choices for my future. Then like any other day,
I
began to pray for God's will in my life. I prayed with the
attitude that I want and need to commit my way to the Lord, and God
highlighted Proverbs 16:13
and 3:5-6 and gave me the assurance in praying for my future.
Strangely out of my burdened heart, I truly began praying, knowing that
as long as I trust Him, He will set the rest straight.
I started with
the equal level of desire for both full time ministry and the
law. First, I thanked God for using these past semester and on to
change
my perception about my going into law. It isn¡¯t about justice (I
mean, yes in a way, but it is not me delivering and declaring justice
or to solve injustice for the sake of making this world a better
place); it isn¡¯t about my own glory, but it is about glorifying
God¡¯s name and to proclaim/ spread His kingdom by sharing the Good
News by/while/in practicing the law. Law only becomes a tool for
showing and sharing God and his character (compassion, justice,
etc.). Then I began to pray
about my desire to go into
ministry. In the midst of prayer, God revealed to me that His
Kingdom/ evangelism were not the center motivation of my heart in pursuing ministry. Of course, for full
time ministry, that is one of the most important aspects. That is
why I used
to think of my desire for ministry to be a significant calling that I
need to consider, because of that aspect of sharing and fostering the
gospel. But I realized that personally I wasn¡¯t as convicted—-my
focus was more on my growth, serving the friends (neighbors¡¦I mean,
like the navs folks), fellowship, etc. At that moment, God gave
me the discernment to know that it was me-centered desire after
all.
I started praying how I didn¡¯t know anything about the way things will unfold if I
were to choose law. I honestly didn¡¯t know how to glorify His name
specifically—-but once again, God reminded me of His promises through
those same verses in Proverbs,
giving me comfort in that He will take care of the rest. And my
favorite verse--Psalm 37:3-6--also popped into my head. "Trust in
the
LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your
heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do
this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the
justice of your cause like the noonday sun." I started
lifting up all my fears and concerns going into law—-how I am afraid of
my own tendency to plan out my own future, all the hostility against
Christianity in the progressive politics/social justice field, my own
sense of
inadequacy, and the timing for potential marriage and starting a family
and all that stuff (you laugh, but it is important because it could
alter one's future significantly...I'm just thinking
ahead...and I had been convicted to think about this, not randomly,
either...lol). But He gave me full assurance that He will be
in charge and I needn¡¯t be concerned of those things. I still
prayed that
I still desired for ministry, and whether or not I should even give up
that desire¡¦then God gave me a realization that law is my field of
ministry; it is my mission field. This is how God'll use me to glorify His name.
I don¡¯t know what field (could
be public policy or even directly related to Christian ministry¡¦who
knows¡¦my original conviction was that I go
into social justice related field either in international or in US)
God¡¯ll put me, but either way, it will
be tough. It could be like a battle field, a spiritual battle
field. Like I said earlier, the progressive politics/social
justice folks are
more hostile to Christianity; it is viewed as both manifestation and
tool of the Western supremacy and colonialism. It'll take lots of
boldness and courage as well as discernment and compassion to be evangelistic in the field that I'd like to
pursue. I will be constantly put in position to defend Christ and
the gospel in what could possibly be very fiercely intellectual
surroundings. It coule be law school; it coule be elsewhere in
the offices of politicians and intellectuals...or the activists I might end up working with. SO, this is the
revelation God gave me at the end of it all; a sense of
ministry,
missionary in practicing law. I honestly have no idea how things
will turn out, but He knows the desires of my heart and my
thoughts (Psalm 139:4). He knows me better than I do
myself. So I have full confidence that He'll work
things for the best and for His glory. "He who began a good work
in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus"
(Philippians 1:6). Also, it notes in Daniel (the book
of) that Daniel was resolute in not defiling himself, and God gave him
wisdom and understanding. I have faith
that not only will God lead and prepare my way, but he¡¯ll also provide
me
with necessary wisdom and discernment to continue if I set my heart on
Him and His glory. There are so
much to still pray about and figure out. (like the issue of my
going back to Berkeley). But God is good, and I know that
"the Lord is
faithful to His promises" (Pslam 145:13b). I guess now I¡¯m asking
for a specific
scriptural affirmation to strengthen my conviction (that could also
carry me through those three hellish years at law school¡¦). I¡¯ll
give an update when He gives me one, heh.
This past semester (and part of
this summer) has been a very painful one. It truly was full of
many sleepless nights, arguments, cries, contemplation, and sense of
searching. But in the midst of all that, God met me so closely
and
intimately; He deepened my faith and my relationship with Him so much. I
guess whenever He gives you the desire to be close to Him, He is to
meet with you in ways that you cannot imagine. God called me to
come before Him; He led me to kneel before Him and treasure my time
with Him. I thank Him for all these times because in His
provision, God anewed and refreshed my calling and my heart for
Him. I can¡¯t say my life is perfect, but I know that it is
realigning itself in accordance with His Kingdom and His Work.
It's been a long, arduous road, but in God has been faithful. And
I remain thankful, in a deep sense
of awe. Praise the Lord for He is good.
Another way that God is so
humorous¡¦I met with a whole bunch of navs folks yesterday, and Albert
asked me if I ever update my xanga. I told him I¡¯d update for
him, and God has really given me something to write about! I hope that
this entry (if you managed to finish it that is...) encourage you and
challenge to really come before the Lord and delight your ways in
Him. This truly is a testament of how faithful God has been to me. (and one of the biggest answered prayers!  )
| | |
| All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before You, O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
My joy and my pain I'm making them Yours.
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You.
Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord, I offer my days to You
Lifting my priase to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord, I offer You my life.
Let these words be my constant (and unchanging, everlasting) confession.
He's been amazing; he's been overwhelmingly powerful. Once I tasted that love, I couldn't quit it becuase nothing else can satisfy the hunger it creates within my sould. BECAUSE NOTHING IS MORE INTENSE AND SWEETER THAN THE LOVE OF GOD!
This is life-changing. My priorities are changing; my character is changing. My outlook on life as well as the meaning of life in itself are changing. The things I never dreamed of are happening right now. I humbly submit myself to the Lord so that He could use me for His glory. May this only intensify as my walk with Lord gets more intimate. | | |
| "To a man belongs the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue. All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD. Commit whatever you do in the LORD, and your plans will succeed" (Proverbs 16:1-3)
These are the words that I hold unto as I am planning my future. Pray for me that God walks with me as I take each step.  | | |
| I love how random and sporadic my updates are. They are quite unpredictable, i should say.
Finally, the semester is over. (well, it's been a week since it was over, but i ddn't really get to enjoy it until very recently since i still had a paper due at 12pm on the Christmas day...sad, huh?) It was such a HECTIC semester, but a blessed one. I must admit that, even in the midst of its business, I had some precious moments with my beloved friends. I think i'll dedicate this posting to those special people in my life. I think I'll do that. =) These are such strong people, inspiration and strength, and I want them to know that I love them so much! (fine, say it's cheesy, but i just had to do it! =P) please note that they are not in any particular order!
Those late night talks with Jin, countless sleepovers/ studynights at her apartment or my dorm room...i'll never forget them, j!!! =) You are definitely my confidant. i'm still amazed that we can hold such intense conversations about our dreams and convictions at 1 in the morning when we have just finished huge papers and have big fat headaches. I don't think I'll ever get over that, haha. There are some friends that you know you'll never let go, and i know she's going to be one of them. well, after all, we'll be working in the legal fields together, so i'll be quite close, right, ms. future-supreme-court-justice? =D
Then there's Lydia, who I love for all her lovable sarcasm. Too bad you are so far away (well, like an hour away, but from Berkeley to San Jose, that's a huge jump!), but you've always been my source of entertainment...literally, with that four-season-dvd-set of West Wing (and of course a source of advice as well), Btw, when i was talking to your "J" online yesterday, he told me that dine about town is in January, so of course, we best do one of those sf dinners! Sigh, only if you could move closer to Berkeley!
Sendy Bendy! I <3 YOU! My 1/8 Korean sister! You smell like chees! and You rock my world! hehe. You really showed me how strong a woman can be in so many different aspects. I deeply admire you, and I am excited for and confident in whatever choice you would make in the future about anything you do. Yes of course, us and our dinner dates! Our next destination: First Crush! wootwoot! =) I really hope that I get to visit you in Guatemala this summer! Can't wait to meet your parents also!
Teresa. My best friend from high school. The only one, in fact, from high school who i regularly keep in touch. You know I am so proud of you, girl. Everyone should hear her sing. She's gonna make it big on the world state! (fyi, she's a classical singer...doing her MA in BU, studying vocal performance) Thanks for driving me down to so cal. It was long, yes, but it was enjoyable, nonetheless. You know bad songs become good songs when they are the ones that keep you awake! (by being so easy to sing along!) I'll miss you in Berkeley, but enjoy Boston! I'll be there some day to have that Chinese style cooked lobster, yum~! =)
Tanyers! HAHAHA. Thanks for always lending your ears to my sighs, concerns, and occasional whines and tantrums! =P I really do appreciate your quirkiness esp. with your stuffed dolls/animals. I really do enjoy your company, and I wanted you to know that! =)
James N. I don't know if you'll read this, but thanks for being always so caring. I really appreciate you, and your kindness. You are such a good friend! Although i don't see you that often, I just know that you still care for me cuz you show it! =) Amy is a lucky one. Well, hopefully we'll see more of each other before the school gets out and we part our ways!
I'm POSITIVE that you aren't gonna read this (and she isn't necessarily my friend since she was my GSI), but Judy. You are awesome! haha. yes you are. thank you for challenging me in so many ways, both intellectually and emotionally. Thank you for opening my eyes towards so many different things in KA community. You gave me an A-, but actually given the circumstances, i can't really complain, haha. Thanks for being such a wonderful GSI and a mentor. I really wish you could stay in Berkeley after next semester, but we better keep in touch! You literally have done so much for me, and I feel so blessed to have met you! well, you know I'll be bothering you throughout the semester with that project of mine, so don't even think you are rid of me! lol =P (for my defense for being so obnoxious with this one, she likes making fun of me/ she laughes at my dilirious emails, lol)
Then there are people like Edna L., Elaine L., Hoam L. (interesting how they all have last names starting with L...lol), Christiana T. and Joey L., Peter K., and Sam P. who I've just met recently at Living Water Fellowship. They are such wonderful people, and I can already tell that we'll develop a strong bond in near future. The women from KAC national conference at Denver...Sunny, Nina, and Soo, and the guys, too...you know who you are, 711 club! =P. You are awesome, and I want to keep in touch so that I could hear about all that wonderful things that you do! Keep it up! =) speaking of KAC, John Kang totally disappeared from the face of the earth since he got his gf, but he's a cool (and obnoxious) dude, heh. Ann!!! My buddy from the internship over the summer in Seoul!!! I'm so glad that the friendship we developed over the summer could still carry over an ocean! It was good seeing you in Berkeley, Ann, and I'll be there in Michigan some day! =) Of course, my dear Katie B.. we need to hang out more! and that leads to Riko Y. who i dearly love. Also, although they are not my 'friends', but folks from BAKAJC...Sam, Yuni, Tina, Hun, and Ginny...they have changed my life forever! They've been so supportive of me and my little project as well. The list could go on forever and ever, but I really thought these people have significantly made impact in my life one way or another throughout this year (well, this semester). Notice how the ratio between women and men? I guess that's how it goes in Elly's world, but I really appreciate these people's presence in my life, one way or another. Some I don't see as often due to the distance, but lucky me! there are other ways to keep in touch.
Oh, what about my sister Michelle? HAHAHA. Never forget to mention her, or else! (hehehe, j/k! I love you, sis!) I am so thankful to have a sister like Michelle. I envy so much of her beauty, sense of humor, and her 'cool factor'. She's a strong person, and she has overcome so much. I have a lot of respect for how far she has gotten so far despite all that she's been through. Also, she never fails to make fun of me, lol. I wonder how she does it, since she's a younger sis and all, but she always does! But once again, I love my sis, Michelle. (and also Janette, my baby sis, too! =))
Besides being random and sporadic, I also love how long my entries usually are. But I just had to show my appreciation to thise friends who are in my life. If you have read it thus far, congrats, and if i don't post before or shortly after the New Year's, HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone! =) | | |
|
